Husband reluctantly buys ungrateful wife a car for her birthday.
’Don’t like it,’ she moans. ‘I want something that goes from 0 to 160 in 3 seconds.
’He goes out and comes back with a set of bathroom scales.
’Stand on that ,’ he tells her.

 

At school today, my mate’s granddaughter was asked to do farmyard impressions by the teacher.
For some reason the teacher was not happy with, ‘Get to fuck off my land before I fill you full of lead, you gypsy bastard!’

Doctor rings husband of a patient and says,
’I’m afraid there’s been a mix up with your wife’s test results so we don’t know if she’s got Alzheimer’s or Aids.’
The man replies, ‘What the hell am I supposed to do about that then?’
The doctor says, ‘Don’t worry. I’ll put her on the wrong bus. If she finds her way home, don’t sleep with her again.’